"I do not encourage adoration of just one name and one form, particularly my present name and present form. I have no wish to draw people toward Me, away from the worship of my other names and forms. You may infer from what you call my miracles that I am attracting people and causing attachments to Me and Me alone. But that is not so. These so-called miracles are merely spontaneous proofs of Divine Majesty. There is no need to change your chosen God to adopt a new one when you have seen me or heard me. Continue your worship of your chosen God along the lines already familiar to you and you will find you are coming nearer and nearer to me, for all names are mine and all forms are mine."
- Sathya Sai Baba -
Where shall my story start
when I wish to tell of my
love for Sathya Sai Baba and
how he has changed my life?
Since our lives are so woven
into time and space, so much
a part of our experiences,
of people we know and of
those whom we do not realize
we know - since there is so
much more to our God story -
let me write that which my
heart is telling.
I know that through my
youth, I searched for that
source from which I would do
good and see good. I
believed it to be my mind,
for never would I call it
God, whose image was that of
a bearded old man in a
heavenly sky.
I later discovered that many
were searching just as I
was, but they pictured a
form, a God that could and
would do all for them. My
belief was that man had to
do for himself, and my
search was in how, on Earth,
I could improve. In time
this ego was to be
transformed.
Gradually, through my first
teacher, Hilda Charlton, did
I begin to understand the
meaning of God and
spirituality. It was through
Hilda that I was led to God
incarnate, Sathya Sai. My
heart was captured slowly,
for mine is such that works
slowly, but surely. Once
having grasped the love, it
hangs on tenaciously in the
face of all adversity, for
its foundation is strong.
In 1974, when I first set
out upon this path of glory,
I wrote the following poem:
A child - middle aged
Looks for a love,
Not physical.
An adult - child-like
Seeking her light,
Holy, spiritual.
I remember wondering why I wrote it - what did it really mean? It was a week later that my confusion took the form of a lament:
Love, breathe it in
Love, breathe it out
I can't
Poor Bea, wants to believe
But can't
and ended with:
Love, breathe it in
Love, breathe it out
I can't!
Poor girl, yearns to have faith
But can't
I did try to believe, but I
had so much difficulty.
Those of us who have lived
for many years without an
awareness of God in our
hearts, who have led a life
devoid of belief in miracles
or the power of prayer and
healing, may only be
awakened by LOVE, pure
unconditional love - and
some part of me knew this
even as I lamented.
As I progressed along the
path, meditating many hours,
determined to solve the
questions, "Who is God?"
"What is God?", my narrow
mind began to be aware of a
new world. I saw people
getting healed; I heard
stories that boggled my
mind; I saw vibhuti manifest
on pictures and statues in
my house.
But the mind is a demon! No
matter what wondrous events
I witnessed or heard of,
there was the doubting mind,
ever present, conjuring up
worldly reasons for
everything.
"Everything is within you,"
Baba says. I did not
understand this truth; I had
no atma, soul consciousness;
it was all my mind, my
intellect that was the
creator. (I laugh as I write
this, for indeed the mind
does create - it is the
creator of this maya in
which we live, the illusion
that takes us in cycles from
the heights of joy to the
depths of despair.)
But God is ever patient,
ever gracious. Hilda
continued to share her love
with me along with her
stories of an 18 year stay
in India. She told me of the
wonders of Sai Baba. They
sounded fantastic, but I
just could not believe them.
And then, Swami's face began
to appear more and more in
my meditations.
"Imagination, mind
pictures," I thought to
myself. But my heart was, at
last, beginning to stir.
I have a small theory about
our path to God. When things
are rough and we're not
advancing the way we want
to, when we are almost about
to give up, something
happens to blow our mind,
something which gives us a
taste of GOD, and we're
hooked! We know that we must
go on, never giving up the
search for another God
vision, another experience
of euphoria in the sea of
bliss.
I tell the following story
because it has kept me on
the path all these years
despite the many hours of
despair. It turned the key
to another plane of
consciousness, and its
recollection continues to
remind me of what true love
is. In truth, what else is
worthy of our aspirations?
It was in 1975, I was
spending hours meditating -
before work, during work,
after work, in the middle of
the night. It seemed beyond
my control. I would end each
meditation with, "God,
reveal yourself to me."
Nothing seemed to satisfy
me, not the touch of peace,
nor the spurts of love, nor
the images that cam, for
doubt was always rearing its
disconcerting self. I felt
unfulfilled.
I remember that night so
well. My husband brought
home a statue of Ganesha.
The moment he showed it to
me, I could feel an
attraction. It was something
I could not understand, but
I felt a warmth creep into
me. I felt a sense of energy
hit me between the eyes as I
touched it. After dinner
when I went into the bedroom
where we had left the
statue, I noticed that
vibhuti had formed.
"Meditate, meditate," my
body cried. I picked up the
statue, went into the puja
room and sat down in front
of the altar. With Ganesha
still in my hand, I repeated
my mantra and moved the
beads of my rosary. I was
filled with such a strong
desire to know what the
sages were telling, to
experience the glory of
which the saints spoke. I
could feel every part of me
crying out to understand, to
be a child of God. I called
every name I could think of
- every saint, every holy
name, but never did I call
on Sai Baba. I cannot tell
you why, but I did not call
his name.
And as I called and pleaded,
I became plagued with
doubts. Evil thoughts began
to attack me - pricks in my
mind and body. "Fool, there
is no God... You can't trust
them... Don't you know it's
all a lie..." On and on it
went, nasty ideas about God,
about my path, about people
I believed in, all coming at
me. I knew not what it was
all about, or how it came
on. I was an onlooker,
observing a terrifying
scene. I could sense fear
growing, and then I saw
myself stiffen and with
great determination I heard
myself say, "Get away. I
don't want to hear you. Go
away, I don't believe you.
You don't know what you are
talking about. I want GOD!"
I remember that part. I
remember the determination.
I also know that something
happened, that there was an
unaccountable space of time
and the next thing I could
recall was an opening above
me and I was propelled into
a sea of expanse, a universe
of stars, expanding,
expanding... and exstasy
started pouring through me,
washing me, loving me - and
I heard a voice, somewhere
far off in the distance, a
voice that I recognized as
being me but not me, I could
hear it saying, "I GIVE
MYSELF TO THEE, SAI BABA."
Sai Baba! Sai Baba, a name I
hadn't even called! Sai
Baba, God who had reached my
soul!
That night I slept and
dreamed. I dreamed that I
was being buried in a grave,
and all around me people
were dancing merrily. I felt
no fear or remorse. When I
awoke the next morning, the
dream was still vividly with
me. I felt that it was
connected to my meditation
experience, that it marked
the death of my old self and
a rebirth. That summer I
made plans for my first
visit to India, to see Swami
in his physical form.
I wish I could say that I
had been truly reborn, and
that my thoughts, words and
deeds were always pure. No.
Although I had been blessed
by God, I had still to earn
that kingdom, if it were to
be mine forever!
My first visit to Swami was
amazing on all accounts. I
will not delve into all the
stories at this time, but by
now you know all the layers
which he had to uncover.
There was an instant
interview that resulted in
great awe and pain. After
that, in between a period of
being totally ignored, there
was the thrill of being his
presence at a wedding, and,
finally, the bliss of
another interview before
leaving for home.
Still, much remained
unanswered. I was so
involved with my own
advancement toward God, that
I did not see God in front
of me, nor could I see my
own God-self. Oh, I did see
Baba's poetic step, his
smile that brought warmth to
all, the changes that he
brought about in some of the
handicapped people he had
taken in for interviews -
but these did not linger
with me.
"Swami, talk to me, teach me
directly, solve all my
problems," were my cries, my
worldly ego overtaking the
glimpse of divinity I had
been given.
And so the years moved on. I
returned to India, to his
lotus feet, received the
interviews, the blessings,
the materializations, and
still I cried out. God
always seemed one step
beyond my reach. I was not a
student of Theosophy; my
knowledge of the Bible and
other holy books was
negligible. I was not in
touch with psychic
phenomena, or third eye
vision. However, my thoughts
did start to change, for I
began to say to myself,
"Surely, somewhere on this
path, I must be useful. In
some way, I might be of
concrete service to the
spirit of God."
The awareness of how I was
to serve as his instrument
also progressed slowly. At
one point I read Swami's
declaration, "The end of
education is character."
Here at last was my message!
Was I not a teacher? Then
why not put these ideas into
the classroom? I delved
deeper into the Bal Vikas
program and how I might use
it with my students in the
public school system. The
results were amazing. It
could work! Where once I
would go to sleep with the
worry of how to face another
day of classroom feuds, of
children's disrespect for
one another, of their lack
of self-worth, and would
wake up with the same fears,
I now began to feel a
change, a glimmer of hope, a
realization that working
with values would change the
children. God was offering
me another chance, a chance
to rectify the mistakes I
had made in bringing up my
own children, a chance to be
of use in this lifetime.
And changes did begin. The
changes were not only
occurring in the children,
but I, too, was changing. I
became lighter, freer,
happier. That which had
borne upon me so heavily
began to wash away. I knew
what my future would have to
be. I had to explore what
Swami was now calling
Education in Human Values.
And so I applied for a
sabbatical to write a values
curriculum for use in my
district public schools.
Another great transformation
was about to take place. I
had always been worried
about money; and now I was
faced with a cut in salary
and with many plans for
travel, yet I was not at all
concerned. I'm not sure how
there was enough money - but
there we were that year, my
husband and I, traveling to
Canada, Israel, France and
India. And as we traveled, I
researched the many values
programs that were in
existence.
In the summer of 1983, I
once again arrived in India,
this time to participate in
the International Conference
on EHV. I knew my answer
would be found here. Little
did I know that I would find
more than just my role in
EHV.
Baba was as beautiful and
gracious as ever. On the
darshan line, he would tell
the New York participants,
"Yes, yes. I will see you."
He would often repeat this
to my husband and others on
the men's side. It never
happened! It was the first
time I had not had an
interview. But I was not the
same person either. I found
myself listening to every
word Baba was saying in his
discourses in the
Poornachandra. Every sound
that came from him was a gem
for me. He served us well,
showering us with
unconditional love and
showing us his true form.
For the first time, I came
to realize that I was indeed
in the presence of God. I
knew what it meant.
He came to our small
meetings promising, "No one
shall leave without their
questions answered." And so
it came to be. We were
permitted to submit written
questions which he proceeded
to answer. We were in his
presence for hours.
Invariably when a new
problem crossed my mind, I
would hear him give me the
solution, even as he spoke
on another topic. This went
on for days, and his
magnanimity overwhelmed me.
I had to begin thinking
seriously about how I could
serve.
Baba fed our minds, our
hearts, our souls and even
our bodies. When we were
served lunch in the canteen,
it was so beautiful to watch
him as he went down the
aisles, asking if we had
enough, if we were happy...
ever GIVING, GIVING. "How
much can one take," I
thought, "without giving in
return?"
This is my new birth, my new
work. I have been granted
faith and belief. I know
what love can really be. As
long as Baba lets me help in
his task of Education in
Human Values, I shall be
there. I don't think he
expects us to be specialists
in teaching EHV, but rather
to be specialists in life,
meeting its challenges with
equanimity and love.
As I conclude this story, I
flash upon the day my mother
died. I recall the pledge I
made as a young 15-year-old
confused by my loss. "When I
grow up, I'm going to do
something for this world.
I'm going to help cure
cancer."
It is now 45 years down the
road, and God has granted me
my wish. In my final
surrender to him, I have
become his instrument. The
cancer that is eating away
at our character, the cancer
that is wiping out
righteousness in this world,
the cancer that is
shattering our peace and
causing our physical cancer
- that is the cancer which
Sathya Sai Baba is now
transforming. Thus, shall he
bring to all mankind TRUTH,
RIGHT ACTION, PEACE, LOVE
and NON-VIOLENCE.