A
Moving Story of Personal Transformation
of a Shy Young Girl to a Dynamic Police
Officer.
By Charu Sinha (IPS), UNMIK CIVPOL,
Pristina, Kosovo.
A
Sensitive Girl Yearns for Her Personal God
When I was a child, I loved
the story of Dhruva and like him, I wanted
to sit in the lap of God. I always thought
if I pray to Rama, Krishna, Shivji, or
Vishnu, the other Gods would get angry. So I
was always confused whom to pray to. I
wanted a God I could see in front of me,
talk to, confide in and laugh with, who
would love me unconditionally however I was,
and one who would be my best friend and
guide. I wanted my own personal God. The
idea of a God somewhere up there in the sky,
beyond my reach, was not what I could relate
to.
As a child I had a disturbed
childhood and never knew how it was to be
carefree. I was very shy, sensitive, and had
the right values but was quiet, scared of
everybody and everything and always felt
unloved. I wanted to be loved
unconditionally and be absolutely
independent - emotionally, mentally and
financially. I thought when I find my God, I
won't need anyone in this world and no one
could hurt me. It was the heartfelt desire
of a sensitive child who was badly hurt by
the insensitivity and constant comparisons
by the people around.
In
1989, my father's German friend Frank
introduced me to "The Autobiography of a
Yogi" and my spiritual quest began. I had
never doubted the existence of God, but I
wanted to feel and experience it and find my
personal God. My yearning increased. We
would visit Shirdi every year. I had some
amount of faith in Shirdi Baba but, since I
could not see Him or talk to Him, I still
wanted something more.
In
the Time of Despair Baba Becomes Her True
Friend
In August 1989, Papa took the
whole family to Puttaparthi. Something in
that trip had affected me. On returning home
I found myself turning to Baba whenever I
would pray in the Pooja room. In the
meantime, all the people I had faith in,
started letting me down. I could not
understand why I was suddenly without a
friend in the world, for no fault of mine. I
was plunged into the nadir of despair,
hopelessness and diffidence. I did not know
whom to turn to. In those young and foolish
days, I wanted a soulmate, as I thought that
that would be the solution to all my
problems and my insecurities, little
realizing that my quest would bring me
unbearable pain. Baba made me experience and
realise that He was the only soulmate I
ought to look for, trust and have faith in.
Betrayed trust, humiliation, broken
friendships and relationships, left me badly
mauled, with a mutilated heart and soul,
absolutely alone, with no emotional support,
and no job to sustain myself ? I was heading
nowhere, had no one to turn to and there
seemed to be no way out. I cried for help
from the depths of my being.
I did not want to live
anymore. Only God could have saved me - and
He did.
Selected for the Indian Police Service
In January 1996 when I went
to Puttaparthi, I had a number of dreams and
was selected for the Indian Police Service
the same year. I realized that it was He who
got me selected. He had told me in a dream
that He was selecting me to protect
something. As usual I did not understand
what the dream was all about. That was the
turning point in my life as I turned to Him
completely. Had it not been for Him, I
could
never have done my National Police Academy
training. It was He who made me do the rock
climbing, push ups, sit ups, rope climbing,
back roll, front roll, cross country
running, drill, marching, swimming, horse
riding - every step of the way, in spite of
severe breathing problems, fractures and
bruises.
In December 1997 after 8
years He gave me padnamaskar and took away
all the pain. He also taught me that
forgiveness was important and I am not my
past. I learnt to put my past behind me and
understand the role of different people at
different stages in my life for my learning
and progress, however hard the lessons were.
Success Comes By Swami's Grace
Then came the field training
? the initial shock of policing ? I saw for
the first time the different social values
of different people and sections of society.
The deceit, lies, crimes, insensitivity, and
different interpretations of truth as per
convenience. I saw what motivated people to
commit crimes, where the subtle line of
distinction between right and wrong, good
and bad was so thin that people justified
every act they committed, on various
grounds, morality being brushed aside
completely. I was also exposed to various
methods of policing and control, and I
learnt to differentiate between what was
right for me and what clearly wasn't, what I
should or should not do and at the same time
while doing my duty, how not to judge other
people and the situations they are in and
how to be tough with criminals (a complete
turnover from the soft me).
I had to evolve my style of
functioning ? mature, strict, sensitive yet
tough ? for the people and my own
subordinates. I survived a grueling and
exacting first 3 years in my job thanks to
Him. Slowly but surely He helped me gain
command over my work and people. Though
several times I thought I was a complete
misfit, now I know I was destined only for
this. I could never have been anything but a
police officer.
Then came my experiences in
policing. Once when I was posted in
an extremist affected area, the extremists
were out on a rampage, blasting and
destroying property, and everyone was tense.
As Addl. SP Operations I had to take care of
the situation. The extremists we were
searching for day and night, simply came to
the Police station and surrendered!
In another complicated case which I was
dealing with for the first time, I was
wondering what to do. And I felt His
direction that I must take one step at a
time and what do I mean what should I do?
Didn't I know that He is always with me? I
also felt His guidance that my decision
making was poor, so He would
ensure
that I was always in situations where I was
forced to make decisions on the spot and
soon became very good at it.
In one case when I was
Superintendent of Police of a district, the
extremists kidnapped four of my policemen,
held them captive in a forest and threatened
to kill them if the demands they laid forth
were not fulfilled. I only prayed, and I
taught the families of the kidnapped men to
pray. After 10 days, in spite of no demand
being fulfilled, my men were released by the
extremists (why, even they could not
understand!) and they came back home walking
from the forest!
It was unprecedented in the history of
extremism to have policemen kidnapped and
released like this without any demand being
fulfilled, without any reason whatsoever.
But I knew the reason was Baba!!!
Hard
Lessons are Learnt
In one of my postings where I
had worked very hard, after my transfer all
the work I had done was destroyed by another
officer who thought differently.
Swami taught me how
to accept someone else destroying a system I
had built up carefully, how to detach myself
from the result of my work, how to work
without expecting appreciation and move
ahead.
Swami also taught me that I
must not look at only one quality in a
person and judge them according to that - I
must look beyond that quality and see the
whole person. He taught me how to do my
work, my duty and forget about the result.
Justice or no justice, things were happening
just as He willed it. Everybody was playing
the role assigned to them. Acceptance on my
part of His will was important on the road
to total surrender to Him.
Inner
Acceptance and Love
I always found it very
difficult to love myself. I had no tolerance
for myself, least of all for the mistakes I
would commit. Swami taught me to love myself
and be more patient, kind and tolerant with
myself. Since He was in me how could I hate
myself? Was that not tantamount to hating
Him? He also taught me how to leave behind
the emotional baggage I was always carrying
on my back. I learnt to travel light, though
I still have the tendency to make the same
mistake.
Not
being a very good judge of people initially,
I would always trust the wrong people and
would regret it later as they would always
betray this trust. Swami always let me go
through the experience, but each time helped
me learn how to judge for myself to what
extent to trust people. It was learning the
hard way but, it never made me forget my
lessons. He is a hard taskmaster. He puts us
through different tests, and with each new
step up the spiritual ladder comes another
more difficult test. Each time one has to
remember that it is a test and tell Him that
you are going to be strong, will put up a
good fight and pass the test and make Him
proud of you.
At each step Swami taught me
how to introspect and evaluate myself and
what I was doing and be absolutely
disciplined, truthful and a person of total
integrity. I am not the perfect daughter He
would like me to be, but I am trying. He
taught me how to take one step at a time
when in doubt and how things would then
automatically work out. He also taught me
how to care for my subordinates, and how to
stand up for right things and values, come
what may. He taught me how to be a leader
and lead from the front.
Learning to See Each Experience as a Lesson
What Swami taught me in a few
years in my job about assessing people and
situations, I probably could never have
learnt all my life. He would give me
experiences putting me in the place of other
people and help me understand people and
situations better and then take fair
decisions. I
learnt that all the people we meet, we do so
for a reason. Either they have a role in our
lives or vice versa and once the lesson is
learnt, everyone moves on. But if the lesson
is not learnt then we keep attracting the
same experiences to ourselves.
In one case He warned me that
there are people around me I should be
careful of. I had sensed it but this message
helped me confirm what I felt vaguely. Once
when I was SP of a difficult district, a
person from the USA travelled all the way to
my area of posting and told me to be careful
of a senior who would backstab me. It
happened exactly as foretold, 7 months
later. I could not prevent it but, I was
prepared for it and could face it
courageously.
When
I once had to take a very important
professional decision involving life and
death and was very disturbed, He told me
that like Arjuna I must do my duty. He would
never let me do anything wrong. If I take a
decision that is wrong He would not allow it
to happen and if right then there was
nothing to worry about. That was the most
fantastic assurance I had received in my
life. My God was taking care of me every
step of the way in my life.
Once while travelling when I
was perturbed about something and asked Him
for help, a water tanker overtook my vehicle
and loomed large in front of me, with Baba's
photo behind it with the message "24hrs at
your service!".
Swami's responses were always tremendous and
spontaneous. At each step He taught me to
have faith that He is there for me.
God
Knocks to Wake Us Up
From the year 1992 to 2000,
for about 8 years, I had been hearing
someone knock on my door every night and
sometimes this person would call out my
name. I couldn't understand and never slept
properly. Once while travelling in a train I
read that Baba stated that God knocks on the
door of people to wake them up to the
reality of who they really are. He also said
that if we do not open our hearts to Him, He
will break it and enter! I prayed to Baba
and thanked Him for telling me that. Since
that day the knocking stopped. I guess I was
a poor learner, He kept knocking at my door
patiently for 8 years and I never
understood!!!
Swami has come in about 130
dreams to me ? each one signifying something
? either care or precaution to be taken or
something which is about to happen, or
expressing His happiness or otherwise at
something. He is a hard taskmaster too, who
knows how much to push you and to what
extent. Whatever He gives in one's life,
whether sorrow or happiness, it will not be
anything more than what one can bear.
The
Joy of Working at Prashanti Nilayam
I always wanted to do seva at
the ashram but my job would not permit me to
take a long time off and do seva. So when
called on official police duty for His
Birthday celebrations, I was thrilled. I
wanted Him to see me in uniform and when He
passed by me I saluted Him and He did look
at me.
After
one week of very demanding duty when I was
completely tired and my seniors were happy
with the way I had controlled things at the
ashram, I thought to myself what is the use
of these praises, if the lord of the
universe appreciates my work then that would
be something.
The next day when I was sitting for darshan,
He came to me and when I said, "Baba thank
you for giving me this opportunity of coming
here", He said, "Chala santosham" and gave
me Padnamaskar. The Lord of the universe
knew how hard I had worked. Oh what wouldn't
I do for that smile and padnamaskar!
Granting of the Precious Interview
In 1999, on 17th July,
Mummy's birthday, Baba called the whole
family for an interview. Those 15 minutes
with Him were like ages. That time we spent
with Him, the assurance He gave to each one
of us that He is there for us and His
comments about each one of us revealing His
omniscience were wonderful. I was sitting
near His feet, in the same place where I
would sit in my dreams, and He put His hand
on my head twice, while talking. I was
thrilled. Baba gave us strength to face the
bad times ahead.
Each visit to Parthi would be
for learning a lesson. Either we would meet
someone who would clear our doubts about
something, or share someone's experiences
and grow richer, or Baba would help us find
the answers to our questions and give us
food for thought and practice. Love, truth,
patience, ahimsa in thought word and deed,
understanding, seva was His message,
continuously reiterated in different ways.
The way He loves all
unconditionally, the capacity He has to
forgive, the patience with which He deals
with everyone, the transformation He brings
in oneself, the love, devotion, the desire
to give up everything and follow only Him
that He incites, can't be compared even
remotely to anything that exists in this
world. He is the most wonderful
teacher, who taught me patiently what I
needed to learn, though I went on making
mistakes all the way.
Had Baba not given me
wonderful parents and sisters, who supported
me always in whatever I did, it would have
been very difficult to survive. I was
inspired by my mother and sisters to learn
vedic chanting and to meditate and move
ahead in life spiritually. My younger sister
was blessed with several visions and
visitations from Baba. Papa's relationship
with Baba was very interesting. Papa fought
with Baba for some reason and refused to
acknowledge or talk to Him. But the more he
resisted, the more Baba ensured that all the
spiritual activities were carried out from
our house and slowly he started
participating enthusiastically in all
activities like Laksharchana, study circle,
nagar sankirtans, bhajans etc. That was
Baba's way of bringing an unwilling sparrow
into His fold!
Reward Comes as Service for the UN
In September 2005, I
was selected for the UN Mission in
Kosovo for a period of one year. The
entire process of selection which
takes just a month and involves
tests for police personnel from the
whole country, took one year. It was
something I wanted for a long time.
When I wanted to know
why the delay was taking place the
message that came said it was
because I was not well! This was
true. I was suffering from severe
backache for sometime. My Baba
delayed the entire process of
selection and gave me time to
recover so that I could join the
mission! |
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Heartfelt Prayers
I can only pray -
O lord, where would I be
without you? What can I do to thank you?
Nothing I can do will express my gratitude
to you. I can only offer you myself - a tiny
speck in your universe, confused and tainted
? with all my heart and soul. I am where you
want me to be, doing what you want me to do.
Make me your
instrument to do what you want me to. Make
me the daughter you would like me to be.
Show me how to fill my heart with love for
everyone, just like you. Make me a part of
you where I lose consciousness of myself. I
would like to see you in everything. If I
look left I should see you. If I look right
I should see you. If I look at someone I
should see you. If I am asleep I should
dream of you. If I am awake I should see
you. If I listen to anything it should be
only your voice. If I talk it should be only
to discuss your glory. I want to be God
Drunk - I love you Baba.
- Heart2Heart Team