Happiness is union with God. There is no place
without God. Whatever you do, you should feel that
it is God’s work. God is acting through your body.
He is thinking through your mind. He is working
through your hands. If you work with this feeling,
there is no chance for the ego to arise. The body is
lifeless, just matter. The mind is a bundle of
desires. It is just imagination. You are not the
body; you are not the mind; you are the Atma (soul).
- Baba
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It was
inevitable! I was born, embedded with the Sai chip. My
genome map was carved along the Sai path. The
Consciousness of the Avatar of the Kali age, Sri Sathya
Sai was embedded in my DNA code. That Sai is an integral
part of my genetic make-up became apparent when I took a
natural plunge towards Him in my early childhood, upon
seeing a picture of His. In Swami I found
everything my soul was seeking in order to make sense of
my existence and its purpose, including the last piece
that completed my puzzle. Finally, my search
had come a full circle. All seemed well with life once
He came in. My quest was over and all questions had been
answered.
From then
on, I have pretty much lived a Sai-fi, or rather a
Sai-hi life; often going through my daily routine,
performing my worldly duties, while being high on the
Sai awareness at the same time. There is no fiction in
this experience, but only a reality that fulfils my
consciousness, yet my limited vocabulary fails to
describe.
Everyone
has their one special moment with Swami. I clearly
remember mine and it is was quite un-dramatic compared
to the accounts of people where Swami emerged from a
wall or made a sudden physical appearance at an off-site
location. Yet, this low key but deeply personal
connection has continued to characterize my relationship
with the Avatar of the Kali age - my personal hero, role
model, my mentor, friend, Saichiatrist and the ultimate
love and aim of my life - my beloved Sai, my true Self.
When God Casts His Divine Spell…
It was in
July of 1978 at Whitefield that I had my first close
darshan of Swami as an impressionable teenager. All
I remember is my Mom and I stood in the porch of the
college auditorium, waiting for Swami to come out after
delivering His summer course Discourse. The volunteer
had been unfriendly with us for quite some time and we
were desperately hoping for a close encounter despite
all her efforts to shoo us away. Somehow, we survived
and lingered long enough till He came to the porch to
get into the car. There, in that porch, as He walked up
towards us, perhaps to take a letter, He came very close
to where we stood and looked me straight in the eyes.
His powerful gaze peered through me, at
something deep within me. It was my Tat Twam Asi
(‘I Am That’) moment. My gaze was locked with God’s
gaze. He had cast His Divine spell on me and my soul had
been awakened in the most sacred and pure way.
A
floodgate of emotions just welled up from within me. All
I remember was feeling extreme embarrassment - as any
self-conscious teenager would - at my inability to stop
crying uncontrollably. It wasn’t just few drops of tears
flowing down my eyes; I felt an intense need to unburden
my soul of something. I had to wash it off with
unstoppable tears. I wished the earth would swallow me
and somewhere far away from the public gaze, I could
just bury my face and cry uninhibited – forever!
Strangely, the more I wept, the better I felt. In fact,
not just better, but happy, indeed very happy, light and
joyous. The connection had been made.
The Crests, Troughs and His Caring Touch
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The
Anantapur campus of Sai University
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My next
close darshan was a ‘car darshan’ at
the airport, in our hometown in North India in the
summer of 1980. Our flight had just landed and we were
surprised to see our entire extended family there to
receive us. The welcome was somewhat overwhelming. We
soon figured out that they were actually there to have
Swami’s darshan as He was leaving by the same
plane shortly. So we too joined the line along the road
to the tarmac. As His car drove past us, we had another
close darshan. A month or so later, I was in
Parthi seeking admission in the Arts program at the
Anantapur campus of the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of
Higher Learning.
The six
years I spent at His College and hostel bore a deep
impact on my character development and outlook in life.
Those years had many highs and lows and the highs
centered around close encounters with Bhagavan and the
lows hit us when He was away in Whitefield, Kodaikanal
or elsewhere, and we were not able to behold Him, hear
Him and receive His direct Grace. I must however point
out that the education and exposure to Sai values that I
received at Anantapur was within a simulated environment
where almost everyone was like-minded in their devotion
to Swami and His teachings. And surprisingly, despite
the conducive environment, it wasn’t that easy to stay
on path, razor thin as it has been described by the
Vedas.
It was
only after six year's of stay in Anantapur, when I
returned home and got married did I really realize how
much harder it is to live up to Sai ideals in the
outside world. The challenge was to live in the world
without letting the world suck me in. I suddenly
realized that Swami had now enrolled me in the school of
some really hard knocks. Till then, I had been
subconsciously programmed to view the world from the Sai
lens. Needless to say, my naivety and a serious
lack of worldly wisdom proved my biggest challenges. I
had so much learning and growing to do. And through my
many failures, I learned and continue to learn all the
time.
Initially,
I was shocked to find that just being a good and sincere
person was not enough to get on in life. I was flooded
with so many conflicting expectations, values and
opinions. It was hard to make sense of the world and my
place in it. At times, it felt like I was hurtling down
a dark tube, like the one in amusement parks, at super
speed and had no control over anything. At all such
moments, I held on to Swami’s Lotus Feet in my heart and
recalled His Divine Form before my mind’s eye. Chanting
His name controlled the flow of my breath. Every time I
took recourse in this medication, my palpitation
subsided and I felt strong and courageous.
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Mrs. Karuna
(far left) in a group interview
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Inside the
dinning hall in the Anantapur campus hostel
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My
Courage and Constant Companion - My Sai
When I got
married, my parents sent me off with a beautiful picture
of Swami, which He had autographed. This lovely gift
came just in time from my friend in Anantapur. It was
the most important item in my trousseau. I carried it as
my shield and armor. Did I ever need it!
I vividly
recall how I had stuck this picture of Swami, inside the
back wall of my steel cupboard, which stood in a corner
on the balcony of my flat. Every time I wanted a
reassurance or needed to reset my internal button, I
would step out into my secret corner on the balcony,
part my saris on hangers to reveal the Beautiful Form of
my Sai with a smile on His lips. I had my private moment
with Swami right there, in that corner. My home bore no
other image of my Sai at that time. I guess, as they
say, the time was not right then. Everything
must happen at the right moment; and the right moment
continued to elude me.
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Precious
moments with the lord...
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Talking of
time, what a strange control it has over our destinies.
It is the eternal flow that defines an infinitely
changing continuum - as past, present and future. When
the going in my life got tough, I held on to Swami’s
advise to us during our final interview where He said
that as long as we live well in the present moment, the
future will be take care of itself. The present had
emerged from the womb of the past just as the future
lies dormant in our present, He had counseled.
Embracing
such consoling words and holding on to my faith that all
would eventually settle down and become “normal”, I
continued to pray to Swami to become a wholesome part of
my family life, so that I could claim my Sai heritage
fearlessly.
Nearly two decades and a million humbling lessons later,
I can stand tall and claim with utmost confidence that
my Sai stood by me, with me and in me throughout, at
every single moment, even though I consciously forgot
Him many, many times.
With time,
my expectations continued to evolve and the reality set
in as I matured. Swami fulfilled so many of my desires
beyond my wildest expectations. Even in the most bitter
of experiences, I saw His saving Grace come to my
rescue. He consoled me, chided me, corrected me and held
me by His hand and guided me to the right decisions. As
I look at my life now, in its every twist and turn I see
His caring touch. I can never forget that New Year day,
nearly two decades ago.
Wonders of His Grace
I had been
married for less than a year and lived in New Delhi,
India then. I woke up on January 1, 1988 totally
ecstatic and proudly announced to my husband that the
coming year would be a wonderful one for us because I
had seen Swamiji in my dream that morning and He had
clearly granted me a padnamaskar and placed His
hand on my head to bless me. I knew Swamiji’s dreams
were visions that conveyed deep meanings.
Soon
after, my husband left for Bhopal in Madhya Pradesh on
some business. He had an early morning train or flight
to catch. A few hours later, on my way to my office -
not too far from our flat in Mayur Vihar - on the very
first day of the new year, I met with a severe road
accident where I was flung off a scooter on which I was
pillion riding. I only remember sensing some danger,
even as I was chanting the Mahamrithyumjaya
mantra and then everything went blank.
I was
later told that I somersaulted across a very busy road
at one of Delhi’s worst intersections at peak rush hour
and landed on the other side of the road with my head
hitting the curbside. By the time I gained consciousness
- a kind family whose last name I still remember being
Goyal - took me in their Maruti van back to my flat
where my Dad was visiting us and then along with my Dad,
they drove us to the Emergency ward at the Ram Manohar
Lohia hospital. I was hurting everywhere and was
diagnosed with multiple cuts, a dislocated shoulder and
broken rib(s). And my head hurt unbearably due to a
massive head concussion.
What was
worse was that through all that pain, I was left to wait
for a doctor to stitch the deep gash in my knee in a
ward where some police officers were most callously
recording the statement of a lady on a nearby bed. The
dying person was burnt badly by her vicious husband and
his mother because of some dowry dispute. I was
traumatized by being within that poor victim’s earshot
and by hearing her heart-wrenching tale. What further
aggravated my pain was the apparent heartless nature of
the two police officers who were recording the dying
woman’s statement in such a matter-of-fact manner. I
wanted to scream out of fear. My Dad knew I would just
break down by the tragedy of that other person more than
by my own injuries.
So
we decided to forego the stitching up of my knee and
instead filled the deep gash with some vibhuthi,
the sacred ash that he had in his wallet. He also
applied it over my face and everywhere else where I was
bleeding. There in that ward, together we prayed to
Swami, cleansed the wounds and did what in our minds was
the best cure and the fastest route to escape from that
torture chamber where no medical professional was keen
to attend to either the dying burn victim or I. We
collected our X-rays and fled home in a taxi.
With time,
my knee healed completely and the dislocated shoulder
and ribs too were on the mend. Till date my chest x-ray
shows a crack or two in my ribs. However, those ghastly
headaches continued to haunt me and my parents and I
continued to pray to Swamiji for help and guidance as He
is and has always been our only anchor in life. I was
advised to go for a CAT scan and consult a neurologist.
Being new to the city, I did not know where to begin but
then I immediately remembered Dr. A. N. Safaya, the
Director of the All India Institute of Medical Sciences,
and currently the Director of the Sri Sathya Sai Super
Specialty Hospitals in Prashanthi Nilayam, who I had met
with my parents at Parthi when I was a student. I
suggested to my husband that we seek his help in getting
me a quick CAT scan and neurologist appointment.
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I arrived
at Dr. Safaya’s office feeling a bit anxious. I wrote
Aum Sai Ram on the visiting card that I sent in
with his personal assistant, hoping that the sacred name
on it may jog his memory and he may make the connection
and somehow remember me. I was getting nervous as I did
not want him to get upset at my taking the liberty of
calling on him without any prior notice. He was, as he
still is, such an important and busy person. It had been
a while and I had not kept in touch. I was hoping he
hadn’t forgotten me completely. As usual I was counting
on Swami to do something.
He soon
called us in to his office and was pleasantly surprised
to see me. The first thing he said was that he and his
wife had been remembering me just the other day as they
were watching a video of Baba’s 60th birthday
celebrations and the University Convocation the previous
day where they had seen me receive my degree from
Swamiji. They both had wondered what had become of me
and where I was. And now I was in his office, seeking
his help with my head concussion! Is there a detail that
Swamiji ever misses? Needless to say, my CAT
scan for the head concussion went off without a hitch
and soon those awful headaches disappeared as well.
I have had
countless experiences where Swamiji has showered His
protection and Grace upon me in the face of imminent
grave danger and protected me just as the lid protects
the eye. Such instances were usually preceded by a dream
where He granted me a padnamaskar. I later
changed my prayer, seeking dreams where we could
converse and avoid the padnamaskars, ominous as
they proved to be. The blessing He conferred upon me in
my dream on January 1, 1988 was to brace me for the big
bang that awaited me later that morning.
I am happy
to share this one of my many experiences to illustrate
how He has watched over me for decades after I graduated
from His University and continues to guide and protect
my family. I am convinced that Swamji’s Love and
protection gave me the gift of life and saved me that
day from something far worse.
Reconnecting With Him Everywhere
In those
days, when I was still deeply attached to Him by this
invisible and secret umbilical cord in my heart, I often
prayed for His dreams to feel connected to Him. At
times, I just pinned for Him with a broken heart. I
begged for His sacred and blessed presence in my life.
The pangs of separation were the hardest to bear on
festival days because I was so used to celebrating them
in Parthi with such devotion.
To make up
for this lost inheritance, my visits to places of
worship increased significantly, and I gladly seized
every opportunity to visit temples, churches, gurudwaras
and mosques. I felt His presence in the hallowed
premises of every cathedral I set foot in and saw His
Divine Face in every deity I beheld. In Goddess
Durga, I beheld His compassionate and understanding
gaze. In Krishna, I visualized His mischievous smile,
taunting at my misery and severe separation anxiety.
I remember
vividly one day when I was scared for some reason, and I
found a match box with an image of some deity on it and
instantly I remembered Swami and prayed hard to Him,
holding the match box tight in my sweaty palm as my
talisman. Even though His physical form was not visible
around me, He was the unseen centre of my being, filling
all my experiences with His presence.
While I
joyfully shared all my dreams and visions of Baba with
my husband, the experience of His endless help and love
through the course of my day at home and office was
entirely mine. Who in their right mind would believe
that a “person” no matter how special, living in a
distant village in South India could possibly be so
involved in all my thoughts and actions? Each of us is
destined to grow into that understanding in our own
time.
The Superlative Sai-fi life
Today,
nearly twenty years after graduating from His
University, I continue to be His student, His child and
daughter. My need to learn and grow never ends. In my
newly acquired wisdom, I have chosen to hand
over the responsibility of raising me upright to my
Divine parent. And what a good job Swami is doing of
teaching me to trust His sense of timing!
Time, the
great determinator, has chosen the present moment when
nearly all members of my family are directly or
indirectly involved in Sai work and support my interest
and enthusiasm towards the Sai movement.
His Grace
has been the blissful anesthesia that has lulled my
senses to any pain during bad times. His Grace has also
kept me awake to His presence in all happy and good
times. His Grace further makes me aware and reminds me
to accept all times, good or otherwise as His
prasadam and with unwavering confidence in His
judgment. I keep enjoying my Sai-fi life,
savoring every blissful moment and accepting every not
so blissful moment as His will also. Once I
surrender this sense of doership, all that remains is my
Sai, my friend, my mentor, my hero, my role model, my
Bhagavan and my true Self. What a peaceful realization,
to be one with my Tat essence! Aham
Brahmasmi!